I have enjoyed writing poetry since childhood and I am hoping to find a wider audience on my blog, sharing the hope that I have and connecting with others.
For quite some time now, I have been unable to process the swirling thoughts in my head. I was overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions I couldn’t make sense of. A friend I have come to trust for wisdom and a listening ear helped me start to make sense of it all this week. Buried memories were resurfacing because it was time to take a look at them, process them, let them go and heal. Rejection had ripped out my confidence little by little until I hid behind a mask, unable to share myself deeply with anyone – the total opposite to what I was like before.
Now I see the dots connecting each of the thoughts I had. It became clear that I have run away from some aspects of who I was meant to be in pursuit of the comfortable. I had a huge setback in teaching when I first started so I decided I never would try to that extent again. I lost several major friendships so I decided that I wasn’t able to build good ones again. Some aspects of my health deteriorated so that I felt useless as a home maker, unable to keep up with housework, no matter how I tried. This made me stop trying to work on other hobbies because I tried to tell myself I didn’t deserve to have fun if my house couldn’t even be organised. On and on I went, pulling myself apart but not allowing myself to be put together again.
This week, all that changed. Happier memories resurfaced and I began to dream again. I recalled some beautiful times suppressed by hurts undealt with. I even longed to see one of the people again and wondered if I could be strong enough to withstand rejection again if it should occur.
Love can be hard if hurts overwhelm. We end up living half the life we could be living. We throw away our confidence instead of realising we are worth infinitely more than we realise. There may be opportunity to rekindle old friendships, to revisit roles we hoped to have and to overcome health challenges. Or, there may not. Should that stop me from dusting myself off time and time again? No. I don’t think so. What matters is that I stay true to the unique calling upon my life and try not to be something I’m not. I need to make my time on this earth count and love freely, unencumbered by bitterness. I think I’m slowly getting back to that. Love has returned.
I happened to check my WordPress account, feeling sure that no-one would have visited the site in my long absence. I was shocked to find that I was mistaken. Readers, you have prompted me to write again – thankyou!
I have spent a number of weeks making daily gratitude posts on my Facebook page to uplift friends and family and help them focus on the good. It has been a challenge some days and other days the thankfulness flowed, but it has proven useful as a discipline for myself as well as for others. As I have posted faithfully day after day, I have developed a bit of a following and received very positive feedback.
It’s a bit like planting my garden. Though it was a boring exercise and I didn’t see much evidence of growth at first, I prepared the soil, planted numerous bulbs and waited day after day. Now I am enjoying the fruits of my labour- Spring has come early to my front yard!
Right now it may feel like you are just putting one foot in front of the other, life fairly cyclical with nothing much to look forward to. May I encourage you that, just like this blog and my garden seem to do nothing much at times, there are rewards for those who keep living, keep trying and keep believing that one day will be better. None of us knows how long we will be distancing from loved ones, wearing masks and abstaining from our favourite activities in and outdoors with friends and family. What I do know is that this Covid-19 won’t wreak havoc forever. We have control over the decisions we make this day and may we be willing to trust that there will be better times ahead. At first there may be a glimmer of hope, like a bulb pushing through the dirt. Then perhaps some setbacks. Ultimately though, Spring will come.
Last night, my husband moved the PC to the lounge and I instantly regained my desire to write again. Now I’m finally here! I spent hours and hours tidying the house the past day with my little girl AJ home sick, but now it is my time to take that moment and put my stamp on the last minutes of Thursday.
What a day! Hubby was working almost non-stop in the study (which is actually E-man’s old bedroom, soon to become a shared space; I’ve had enough of kids awake till 9.30/10pm in bunks!). I told myself that the kids would be asleep soon and I could have a night to wind down after more than 8 hours on my feet. Instead, 3 year old AJ kept her big brother awake and then when she finally tried to fall asleep, her cough sounded almost croupy. I had to find a way to help her stay on the propped up pillows.
Hubby will be squeezing in about 4.5 hours sleep then doing a webinar 2am-9am to fit in with USA time. E-man told me his daddy could have gone to USA in person to do the training if it weren’t for COVID. I announced to hubby, “You’re not meeting Minnie Mouse before AJ does!” with a twinkle and defiance in my eyes! He’s not into Disney all that much – he’d rather photograph a mountain, but it would be awesome to take AJ and E-man there. Even just to get on a plane – they were to take their first plane ride just a short time after the state borders closed in Australia and I was going to be with my family for my birthday.
Since E-man couldn’t fall asleep with all the coughing tonight, I moved him into my side of the bed about 9.15pm, making him promise he wouldn’t kick his dad! It’s going to be like the children’s rhyme – “There were 10 in the bed and the little one said, roll over, roll over…” – I’m going to attempt to fall asleep on the couch that is too small for me then creep into hubby’s side of the bed when he vacates it, attempting not to wake E-man.
As I have struggled being home for the past 3 days, I have been reminded of the COVID-19 restrictions and how our lives have been changed for the forseeable future. Waiting for my daughter’s COVID-19 test results has made me understand firsthand, the fear of not knowing what the next few weeks will hold. I have to try to find the silver lining in all of this, and I think I have. Staying home makes you face so many things. That weightloss never attempted, the garden never tended and the clutter piling high. The friendships barely nurtured, the projects never started and the kids growing up without many special memories of family time. However long the days, however inconvenient these times are, we are being stretched and irreversably altered for a reason.
I’ve tried all week to watch a movie on Netflix but I just couldn’t settle and concentrate. At first I obsessively checked the Coronavirus death/case counts for the countries mentioned, studying the graphs, trying to predict what would happen next, awake past midnight and getting more anxious by the minute. Then I began to worship. It was the only thing that made sense in the chaos. I did a bit of panic buying then I realised that even the most prepared person would eventually run out of fresh produce and other necessities. People around me were struggling and I wasn’t helping. This wasn’t what I was created to do.
I started praying and I remembered what I used to do before life got hard, though it was still a challenge. I used to pour out my heart on paper, sharing from my heart, bold enough to lay it bare, so that others could benefit from my journey. Sometimes I don’t feel like writing. Other times I have something to say but I get distracted by other menial tasks or pointless time-wasting pursuits. Yet for some people on this earth, time will be a luxury as they fight for their lives. We cannot bring back yesterday and do it better but we can do today well.
So I’m going to write. I’m not going to hold back- I’m not going to hide my faith either, so if it’s not your cup of tea, that’s ok. I must, however, open my mouth and praise my Maker in the years I am given. From the time I could speak I sang songs to God and this past week, as I saw others making videos to encourage others to lift up their praise to God, I was strengthened in my spirit. This is not a battle we are facing alone. Just like in 2 Chronicles 20, God is fighting for us. We need to praise and trust Him with child-like faith, knowing that He sees the end from the beginning, He cares and He has gone before us.
My family and I decided to check out an annual food, music and wine festival tonight. The kids played on the playground and we bumped into some old friends we hadn’t seen for a while. We heard two bands and then my hubby and son rode the dodgem cars together. It was wonderful giving my kids an experience similar to what I had enjoyed as a child. When we first arrived at the festival and saw the carnival rides, we noticed the big Ferris wheel and I longed to go on it as a whole family. Hubby wasn’t keen to spend the money, preferring to go on the Melbourne Star, but somehow I managed to convince him it was worth it. What I didn’t know, was that this was his very first Ferris wheel ride! I hadn’t been on one since my teens. As a joke, I suggested that this could be part of my birthday present.
We got on and as we reached the top and looked down to the road, I was very glad I hadn’t gone on alone with my daughter. I find heights difficult – surprising, I know (!) that I chose a Ferris wheel ride! I just wanted to be with my family having fun all together. We certainly achieved that … instead of stopping after 2 or 3 rounds as we expected, that Ferris wheel went round about 15-20 times!!! It was quite fast too, much to our amusement! If my husband was worried about value for money (it was $25 for the four of us to go on as a family) he needn’t have been!!! Round and round we went, almost as if they had forgotten to unload everyone! We had a wonderful view of all the carnival rides and the sun getting ready to set as we looked across the marina. What a wonderful way to finish the evening. We will remember those many rounds for years to come- an amusing experience for us four!
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