Learning to soar above life's storms
Reblogging an old poem that still means so much on my journey.
From my heart came a cry, Which You helped me share in words; When I was weak and crushed, You helped me recognise the storm. Not from You, but for good- You allowed this storm to come; Though it damaged, You restored, As I came to rest in You. Many lessons to embrace- Some still […]
For the One Who Calms the Storm
I’m headed to the footy tomorrow with E-man; first match I have been to since he was in Auskick, a junior football program. E-man and I used to head into the city on a regular basis when I didn’t have a car every day, and spend hours there including travelling on trains and buses to and from the city. I’m so excited to be making this journey tomorrow that I am cooking up a storm! Brownies with toasted slivered almonds and Anzac slice, because it’s way faster than making the mixture into biscuits. No outside hot food can be brought into the match, so we will enjoy some delectable snacks instead. What are some foods you take to sport matches? Do you cook or do you buy food there?
This is the last game before the finals, so it’s going to be a good crowd and it won’t hurt to get there early. Having a toddler means that I don’t get to go out and do these things very often, so I will feel the relaxed not having to look after him but I will miss his adorable ways. A-A, as he sometimes still calls her, loves the footy too, and it will be her first match with Dad next year.
I’m pretty sure I know all of the AFL rules now but it won’t really matter; E-man will be sure to let me know them all. He doesn’t miss a beat- he lives and breathes footy. He will be likely to record every detail in the match booklet and chat about it in detail all the way home. Hopefully this will be one of those memories we talk and laugh about for years to come. I couldn’t be any crazier than the fans E-man and his dad saw the most recent time they went to the footy!
I don’t know what it is, but I have always had a boost when I buy a pair of smart and comfy shoes. Perhaps it brings me closer to remembering Dad’s business attire and successful work days. Perhaps it just reminds me that it is ok to spoil yourself sometimes.
Today I spent just over an hour buying outfits for events I need to attend next week and the last stop was shoes. It was the final place I needed to go in the outlet centre before finding a coffee shop.
I gave the shop assistant advice for exactly what I needed and after being only his third customer of the day, my purchase lifted his spirits. I love when people lower their guard and engage in a bit of small talk. I’m scared off by the overly personal, but this guy had the right balance.
We joked about the music style that had kept me in the store, the music he would need to overcome his four hours of sleep, the need for his girlfriend or a benevolent passer by to bring him a strong coffee and the rapid pace in which I had decided on my boots.
Today’s purchase was a pair of truly groovy shoes. Not just a department store, get-me-through- the- next- month kind of shoe. No- every time I put them on, these shoes will remind me that it is going to be a good day!
Tonight I made an observation that gave me (and the plaster on the walls) hope. My teen actually hugged me, accepted my apology for chiding too much and… didn’t slam the door.
Projectiles were thrown earlier (I’m getting better at dodging them!) and I got called an idiot and a moron but… the door wasn’t slammed. It was truly a win tonight.
Yesterday he had finished writing one of the hardest pieces of writing he will ever have to craft. He did it so well. I believe it was cathartic. May it influence the right people and help him too. Afterwards there was calm. He had been heard.
How often do we as parents, think we have to say everything first. My teen has a lot of great things to say, but it has to be his timing. I’m learning to overlook the insults and smile that I have been noticed in the room, not just the screen in front of him.
Celebrate the wins. Door open- that’s a bonus. Door not slammed- it was a good day!
Over the years, many films have moved me to tears, but only a handful of movies have gone one step further, touching my soul. I Still Believe, is Jeremy and Melissa Camp’s story. Something stirred within me with regards to the trauma of the past five years. Lockdowns, profound losses and very low points, forgetting who I was at times. Wondering what was the point of having interests and growing abilities if I didn’t get opportunity to use them.
There is a moment in the film where the character who plays Jeremy has a major turning point towards hope. Watch it and let me know how it affected you. The impact on me was that I sensed God say, “Go bigger! It is time to write that book”.
Let nothing stop you. Don’t let anything rob you of your joy. Embrace disappointment as a stepping stone to growth and a fuller life as it leads you to new things. Thankyou Jeremy for the story behind the song. I still believe…
Monday marks the anniversary of the day we saw a great unravelling in our family. The most disturbing news came to us piece by piece, in relatively quick succession. I held a newborn baby in my arms in the early hours of the morning, when the trauma turned to disbelief and shock and temporary almost- paralysis in my limbs. I was meant to be putting baby back to the bassinet after a feed, but I couldn’t move. Later that day I would make a spontaneous request of a close friend to drive me some distance to say another goodbye, stuck in a nightmare I still, to this day, can hardly believe. She selflessly minded my one month old with a bottle while I sat in a room and waited with others. I hadn’t barely processed watching my own father pass away; I couldn’t bear to watch the final minutes, no matter how much I wanted to be be strong enough this time. Later, I passed my beautiful baby around to those who needed tangible solace. What a gift on such a dark, dark day.
The next day, the family needed to get out and to have some sunshine, so we went to one of our familiar haunts. The playground was closed, the car engine wouldn’t start and moods slumped further. Roadside assistance came and we were back on our way, with Mum taking the older two to a different park near our house. More ominous news came and I decided I did not want to be alone at night with three kids including a newborn at that time. I packed some things with hubby’s help, then got in the car before dusk with baby, heading to Mum’s where I stayed the night. By the time I went to sleep, it was all over. So began one of the darkest, life-altering chapters our family will ever go through.
Tonight as I sat on the end of my eldest son’s bed, pushing through comments like “stop wasting my life”, he finally snapped out of it and quizzed me on some Italian music terms. After impressing him with my memory recall, we came across a term that eluded me, yet sounded familiar. It means, “but not too much”. It kind of sums up the delicate nature of my relationship with E-man, of late. He still wants mum, but not too much. He wants space, but not too much. He wants food, but not too much. All things are carefully needing balance, as at any moment, he may feel the need to say “go away” or similar hurtful comments.
I read a very useful piece of information this week which helped me to try once again to build rapport with my son. So often, we let our emotional injury prevent us being unconditionally there for our teen, when really, they need to know, more than ever, that we are there and we are not scared off by their big emotions. This week, I’m going to try to find those moments where E-man lets me into his world, just enough but “not too much”. It might be a game of chess or some shots at the basketball ring. His terms, his timing, his choice to let me be there for him…ma non troppo.
Staring into nothingness-
A place familiar now;
Tears cannot suffice;
A heart of jagged shards.
Months turn into years,
Yet behind wooden doors,
We wrestle with ugly feelings;
The true story unfolds;
Nana’s not coming today;
Papa won’t call again-
Baby won’t even know,
The joy we had with them;
Months then years of pain-
Still not able to heal;
This grief too deep for words-
Winter freeze complete.
© M. Patterson 12.7.25
She hath wings 
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