Searching For Self

This past year has flown by at a feverish pace and I have had to make a point of stopping to reflect. At times I was very lonely- unable to do more than see friends now and then, often dealing with illness or stress of some kind at home.

I began the year with a new job and adjusting to leaving my daughter in the care of other family members. I also travelled 40-45 minutes each way for appointments investigating my son’s behaviour with the help of a psychologist. I came to the conclusion that I saw definite traits which fit the suspected disorders but since it wasn’t obvious at school, we would do nothing except support him at home, especially with the meltdowns. It was a very difficult season, having very little time to see people during any part of the week, averaging 5-6 hours of broken sleep a night (my daughter seldom sleeps through) and only having check-ins from a handful of people at best.

I began to forget what I did for fun and the house fell into total disorganisation. I was hard on myself and constantly felt overwhelmed with the clutter, wishing I could have help to get on top of the mess. I would tell myself there would be time after all the jobs were done (like making lunches and hanging clothes) to relax and do something fun but I only had energy to watch television if anything and I often finished the jobs so late that I tumbled into bed without time to wind down or do anything creative.

It is possible to get to the point where life becomes a repetitive, melancholy cycle, almost purposeless beyond “getting through the day”. I couldn’t laugh easily and I missed out on months of getting to know my kids because I couldn’t cope with the exhaustion.

In the midst of all this, the longing for connection with people grew but I didn’t have the energy to reach out or sow into relationships much. My family ties grew tense- I went inside myself because no one seemed to understand.

I knew I had to do something different from what I was doing, since it wasn’t working. I had to find myself again and work out what I should be focussing on.

Writing has given me fresh eyes to see what the fog was all about. I was in a season of grief and burn out. Loss of friendship groups, health struggles, family expectations I couldn’t meet, regret for wasted years, the insane lack of time to self, the relationship with my son robbing me of the joy of parenting and the high stress in the household. I had thought it best to shut down, struggling to believe I had anything worthwhile to share anymore. I didn’t think anyone would want to know me .

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I found a way to rise again, taking baby steps towards better coping. I can’t recall if I shared the poem ” You” on my old blog, but it shows the hope I had and how when I come to the end of myself, my strength really begins. I will make this one of my next posts.

On the banks of the Yarra, Melbourne

Published by mezruth

I am a wife and a mother of two beautiful and spirited young children, living in Australia. Unashamedly, I am a follower of Christ; He is my daily hope and inspiration. I enjoy dabbling in a range of hobbies ! These include (but aren't limited to) gardening, cooking, making cards, playing piano, singing, writing letters, journalling and walking in nature/ identifying animal species. I find it hard to make time for myself but I'm learning that life is too short and sometimes things must be scheduled in or the days slip away without much change. Family and friends are very important to me and I am happiest when I live my life in community.

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